It was an average morning commute on La Brea Avenue. Predictably and repeatedly, I accelerated the car, and then brought it to a halt. On my right, the sidewalk at Pink’s was being water blasted clean; then I drove across Melrose Avenue. On my left, clusters of young Hasidic men walked casually to their Synagogue; then I drove across Beverly Boulevard. On my right, a Trader Joes truck delivered the day’s produce; then I drove across 3rd Street. But, beyond Wilshire Boulevard, the expected became unexpected.
Above a building built in the Twenties, I noticed a billboard bearing an unsubtle symbol of South Africa. A beatific Matt Damon was wearing the Springbok rugby jersey. It’s green and gold team colors wrestled away my roaming thoughts. I blurted to myself, ‘that’s where I want to be.’
The billboard was advertising Clint Eastwood’s latest movie Invictus starring Morgan Freeman as President Nelson Mandela and Matt Damon as Francois Pienaar, captain of the Springboks. Still driving, I stared at the billboard longer than was safe. I could not immediately understand what the movie’s storyline, but it was easy to see that Nelson Mandela was the central character. Though, Morgan Freeman’s oversized and saintly pose of the legend emboldens Matt Damon’s image of the rugby champion. At that moment, I was only interested in the green and gold.
I never expected to see the South African rugby jersey plastered on a billboard above the streets of Los Angeles. I could not imagine Americans interested in a movie about a sport we care nothing about. Few Americans know the teams, let alone the rules of the game. It is not in the American DNA. Though, for me, on that day, I was confronted by a brilliant past and an incomplete present.
I had the privilege to live in Grahamstown, South Africa in 1999. For nine months, I was trained in journalism and philosophy at Rhodes University and I practiced my shy social skills exclusively with South Africans. Along with the country’s physical beauty and its social and economic inequalities, I discovered unexpected friendships that defended my character more than I had ever experienced before. At the age of 21, I had found my game. In South Africa, I felt more myself and more at home than anywhere else I had ever been in the world
The three seasons that I lived in Grahamstown were not perfect. My family was unstable and my sexuality was still deeply locked in the closet. Despite these gaps, I felt whole. To feel fulfilled is the most brilliant gift life could offer someone. I wanted to hold onto this gift forever, but I knew once I returned to my true home in New Jersey, I would feel shallow again.
As expected, I was right.
South Africa inspired my game. Upon my return, I repeatedly thought of Grahamstown, Rhodes University, and my friends, and I would tell myself ‘that’s where I want to be.’ But, I knew I could not go back. It was too far from my family and my life in America, plus the Rand was too low for me to make decent money to live.
After Africa, I knew what it meant to feel whole. I understood that it was possible to feel complete and that I had the choice to re-discover it or not. I could take the offensive or the defensive. I chose the offensive; to find fulfillment again. I made the decision to leave New Jersey and move to California.
Ten years after I left Africa, ‘Invictus’ is released. The movie tells the story of President Nelson Mandela’s initiative to unite an apartheid-torn country through a win at the 1995 Rugby World Cup. Mandela enlists Pienaar, the Springbok captain. Mandela inspires the political support, while Pienaar leads his team, and subsequently, his nation to a united victory.
The moment the movie began, I felt as though I was once again part of what I had left behind. It was not the politics or characters that conjured the feeling, but rather Eastwood’s amazing attention to detail; it was the vernacular, the wardrobe, the mannerisms, and tone. I could see my friends and myself as part of the backdrop. After Damon claimed victory, and Freeman drove back to the Parliament, and the theater lights came up, I was reminded how precious the gift of feeling whole is.
Prior to seeing the movie, I Googled the meaning of ‘invictus’ and learned that it is Latin for ‘unconquerable’. I never did find the fulfillment that I wanted to in Los Angeles and my present now feels incomplete. As I did after Africa, I have recently chosen the offensive; to find wholeness. Perhaps, it is this choice in and of itself that makes one a champion.
